crying as performance art

Tears build up beyond your eyelids and you can feel the heat rising. The temperature of your body quickly speeding up towards triple digits when you have to hold back what your body needs to release. But you’re riding the train and it’s crowded with rush hour commuters. Usually if it’s a quiet evening going from Manhattan to Brooklyn, you’ll let the tears stream down your cheeks. Feeling a burst of heat drip down your skin. Body temperature levels out. As you let go what no longer serves you through the form of salt water, you feel seen. Crying in public is a form of performance art. Just far more genuine. You are, as scientists would have you know, made of 60% water. Similar to Mother Earth. Just one of the many things you two have in common.

The tears can formulate from any number of storms currently taking hostage of your insides. Maybe it is from your craving for a maternal love that seems to always just evade you. The familial focus is so much easier to stay residing on your sibling(s) who are Less Difficult™ and What Was Expected From Conception™. You are a hurricane that sometimes yells when emotional. And always cries when the tears build up behind eyelids. And always twirling around, difficult to contain, difficult to keep still long enough to Love™.

Or maybe this time the tears flow out of anger for a perfect love lost. But if the love was so perfect, would it have been lost? But if the love was so perfect, won’t it return? But if the love was so perfect, wouldn’t they also be unable to breathe the way you are right now? This anger is rooted at everyone but the very person who is now gone. The people who are easier to hold resentment against. Or maybe the tears flow out of lost memories. You know, the memories you had built up in storage to save for a rainy day? The ones not yet lived out yet but they were supposed to be in the near future. So close you could taste them but now all you can taste is salt water. Gallons on gallons, plentiful, always a reserve... of salt water.

The streams coming from your eye ducts might even be the result of feeling a loss of self love and connection. Maybe you woke up this morning and realized you haven’t masturbated in months. Maybe you woke up this morning and realized you forgot what it feels like to take yourself out on a date. Maybe you are riding home from work and feeling as though your job doesn’t serve you anymore but you need to keep living life in this capitalist society. These tears are slow and quiet. A soft reminder that you need to take time to love yourself and your Earthly being.